Mr. Pennington and Andy Cohen at SXSW 2011.

When I was homebound and very ill, there were no podcasts. There was no Audible, Netflix was still sending out DVDs and Facebook wasn’t born yet. Life was lonely, un-stimulating and empty. All I had was Bravo reality shows.

But I don’t mean that dismissively. I f*cking love a Real Housewives. There’s such a catharsis to the deep expression of feelings, the high drama, the clamoring for attention, and OMG the stuff.

In my old life of endless pain, fatigue, agony and morhpine, every night I’d have a big hit of drugs, massage my back with a thumper, pray I would could get enough relief to sleep and watch Bravo.

Now, years later, feeling much better, off drugs, I still love me some Bravo, which says a lot because many things in my life could not remain when I was no longer high all the time. But Real Housewives? Yes!

RHOBH Season 9

Missed it? Lucky you.

Grudge-holding, apology-demanding, reformer-of-others, Kabbalah cult-member Kyle Richards had tried many a time to take her BFF Lisa Vanderpump down.

This season, with the help of fellow Kabbalah cult-member, the scathingly bitter, rumored beard Lisa Rinna, they led the pack of weaker cast members and finally succeed.

After repeated gang ups, Lisa Vanderpump quit filming with the cast. It was truly uncomfortable to watch. Plus LVP’s brother had just committed suicide, so it came across really vicious. Yuck. Not good television.

On the Finale we saw the ladies minus LVP lunching in Kyle’s garden, without a sense of irony, congratulating themselves on their ability to apologize for their behavior, even though they totally don’t.

It was so boring I was sorry I tuned in.

Is RHOBH Ruined?

The show may go on, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch it.

It’s really, really hard to find people who can survive and do well on that highly-competitive and painfully vulnerable environment, the Bravo reality show. It takes a lot of courage and money. You’d better have a genuinely interesting life and be somewhat sincere. Like, almost no one can do it.

Remember the forgettables who spun through the RHOBH turnstile with a tag line and left no mark? Of course you don’t. I couldn’t remember a single one, either. I had to Wiki it. They were Carlton Gebbia, Joyce Giraud, Eileen Davidson, Kathryn Edwards, and friends of Marisa Zanuck and Dana Wilkey.

I know. Like, who?

Puppygate

LVP's plan to stick it to oddly-overly-accented-pseudo-British-speaker-in-what-I-guess-is-an-attempt-to-influence-and-upgrade-her-husband’s-low-class-English Dorit about the pupper Dorit adopted from Vanderpump Dogs then re-homed, then said dog got dumped at a kill shelter, was awesome reality-show worthy revenge! Yeah!!!!

Glassy-eyed, highly-pretentious, crazy-mean-drunk Dorit did some super dumb stuff in seasons past, and she did a lot of it to LVP. She even stormed out of Lisa’s birthday party. You DO NOT storm out of Villa Rosa. You DO NOT upstage the Queen, and definitely NOT on her birthday.

I’m not saying Dorit deserved LVP’s naughty behavior. I’m saying she earned it. And so did we.

The season became trying to make a LVP admit her scheming. Facepalm.

Listen Up You Morons!

I mean current RHOBH cast!

Nobody on these Bravo shows ever ever ever admits to giving a story to the tabloids.

LVP wasn’t going to be the first, that’s for sure. Why should she? She is the Queen of Los Angeles. We are all jealous of her. Yet we want to be her friend. But only if we can’t have her as our mum. Or just be her.

We want to live at Villa Rosa with the swans, cuddle the miniature horses and doggos, have a wildly popular show with our name on it and a husband as devoted as Ken. Or could we just please come over for tea?

Envy was the motivation for the takedown.

Trying to force an adult admit something everyone knows they did (outside a court of law), is Puritanical, annoying, and just impolite. Have some respect for others.

Bravo to LVP for trying to make the season interesting, because no one wants to watch uninspiring Teddi run sideways on a treadmill, although that is preferable to hearing her proclamations about how she never lies (yawn) and is fully accountable (yawn) for all her boring actions, because there’s always hope she’ll trip.

Ewww on watching barnacle Erika squirt canned whipped cream on a grocery store pumpkin pie then joylessly eat it out of the crinkly plastic container with a plastic fork for breakfast. But fascinating when someone has so much money and still is so miserable. Makes you appreciate what you have.

Erika Jayne Girardi

Sour puss Erika Jayne Girardi is living my dream: I want to die a rich old lady in Pasadena.

Erika makes me long for Luann, who can hold her own in a pack of bitches. The Countless looks so f*cking fabulous in those Jovani’s gowns it doesn’t matter that she can’t sing.

“I want to be friends with people that are easy to get along with, that don’t keep score, that don’t move chess pieces around on a board, that don’t try to make themselves look great and you look sh*tty.”
- Erika J. G.

Whatcha doing on a reality TV show, Erika, because that’s the whole point. And no wonder you don’t have friends.

Oh wasn’t it funny in France how intolerant Kyle starts in on trying to change Erika’s personality?

Brandi Glanville

Accountability Coach Teddy (I guess she texts to a client in all caps to run around the block if they had a piece of cake, people in LA totally would pay for that) should have thrown a Brandi Glanville-style fit over LVP’s naughtiness. But that would have taken flare and style.

Dorit, that walking billboard for designer labels, should have done the same. Someone please get her a stylist.

LVP gave Dorit a chance to save the season. She invited Dorit to be her ally going forward, as LVP couldn’t sit there at any more dinners being insulted and harangued as no one should submit to being a punching bag for others. Dorit could have saved the show. But alas, she did not.

We can learn from Dorit and Erika that marrying an older man for the money and status leads to a pretty empty life. I’d rather be trashy but poor, free and single like Brandi than merely having a husband finance my fantasies. Oh wait, mine does fund my delusional fantasies of recovering from Ehlers-Danlos.

Whatever. My fantasies are much more noble than than Erika J.G.’s middle-aged Brittany Spears imitation (cringe) and Dorit’s bikini line because who can even fit into a bikini these days. I married for love and I did get better.

Is Brandi coming back because I would tune in for that.

You can tune in to Brandi’s podcast Unfiltered.

Camille, The Lady

Camille was the shining example of how to be a lady this season.

Just talk behind everyone’s back while you make nice in person. That is manners. Who doesn’t love to be gossiped about? It means you’re relevant. Who doesn’t want her friends to be envious of her? That means you got a life worth having. Who actually likes their friends?

Camille tried to calm the excitable Teddi and save the season, by saying repeatedly that Teddi is a know-it-all who should butt out of these complicated relationships. But none of the ladies would support her and give us back our show. Booooo!!!

Camille posses unique intelligence. She is where she is in life for a reason. Bravo, Camille!

Denise Richards, No Relation to Kyle

I could give Season 10 a try just to watch Denise. She is refreshingly funny about her problems with Charlie Sheen, although I would like to buy her a hairbrush.

I had a look at the Q360 website, where new Househusband, energy healer Aaron Phypers — who married Denise Richards (no relation to Kyle) immediately when his divorce was final because it had to be on that day so it would be “lucky,” definitely not because he was worried the spell he has Denise under might wear off — works.

This is from his quantum healing website:

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I like that “diseases” is “in quotes” because for sure we’ve all been tricked to think that we are sick by Western medicine. Disease ain’t real. We are just out of harmony with all the viruses, bacteria, toxins, nutritional deficiencies and the universe-at-large, and our DNA is in need of a tune-up.

I am just a little bit tempted to drive up to Malibu to get a realigning DNA rejuvenating exorcism for my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome because magic totally works and they promise a comfortable chair.

Eloise Richards

I do understand from my single 40+ friends, how much it sucks to date in Los Angeles.

But just one short year since he bedded you in the treatment room upon your first meeting (totally illegal if you are a licensed health care provider, but since Aaron is in the con business it’s just sexual harassment), is too soon for a marriage. But what moves that guy must have.

The real problem I have with the rushed wedding is that the future of Denise’s disabled daughter Eloise is at stake.

I sure hope Sugar Mama Denise is holding the strings in this relationship, but buying a hand job for your married boyfriend who spends way too much time at the gym overdeveloping his trapezius muscles makes me doubtful.

Eloise is non-verbal and developmentally disabled due to a chromosome disorder. She will need care her entire life. Yikes, Aaron is going to adopt her soon? I see Eloise getting mistreated and neglected down the road when Aaron ends up in control of Denise’s money.

Aaron and his triangle traps. With Denise.

Couldn’t Denise have just let Aaron live with her like a proper celebrity assistant, and save her legacy for Eloise?

Held onto her power to be able to kick him out fast at any time for any reason?

What We Can Learn From Season 9

Do not be a loud American in France. Do not drink margaritas or Coke, do not order a burger and for the love of God not a well-done one in France. Do not put your shoes on the coffee table at the Chateau. Our politics make us look bad enough already.
People lie, scheme, compete, one-up each other and get revenge, totally normal human behavior. Best to stay off someone’s bad side and learn the art of détente.